Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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