mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
