god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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