maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
