Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
