One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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