I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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