She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
