It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Randomize
