i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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