I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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