I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize