Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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