Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
