I just pynch a tree in the face
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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