she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
