Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Randomize
