Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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