You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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