am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Quick, to the slutcave!
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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