this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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