Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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