i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
