Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
