My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
