just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
