my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
