the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Come share oat with me in your robe
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
