its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
