she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I look better un-naked...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
