the condom got lost in my hair
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
