im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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