1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
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