so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize