I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
