Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize