I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
