I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
