I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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