my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
