Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
please come you make the beer taste better
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
