It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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