uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
