morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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