Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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