Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
