Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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