Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
