why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
