I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
