1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
