yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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