i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
