Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
