Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
