im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize