Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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