To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
how do flat chested girls get laid?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
