I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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