I accidentally had phone sex last night
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
