I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize