I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
FUCK WHALES
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
