Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
