but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
