thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize