please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
When did angry sex become our thing?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
