o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
