I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
