a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
