There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize