I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
